Jace to Face

So I've just uploaded all the notes that I'd posted on Facebook whilst (mis)using it as a blog of sorts.

Michael Jackson, the at-times troubled music icon, is being memorialized as I write this. His death is a great tragedy, it's true. May he rest in peace and his music continue playing in the ears of fans for generations.

That said, my mushy sentimentality is done. The ridiculous human obsession with the death of Mr. Jackson is embarrassing. I understand that it is sad. I understand that he was an incredibly talented and fascinating artist and, more importantly, human being. Many people at least as worthy as MJ die in complete obscurity every day in our world, and the whole of humanity stops to freak out when its King of Pop dies. CNN.com put MJ atop its coverage of the violence and injustice in Iran. Twitter has a heart attack. The Internet has a stroke. Everyone on Facebook puts up a different version of the same status. People, calm yourselves. And give the man the proper respect he deserves as a human being rather than as the object of ridiculous human idolatry.

The motoring icons at Top Gear have maintained for years that the BMW M3 is for cocks. They're right, but I'm totally convinced the new, four-door M3 is the best sedan in the world. Maybe the best car in the world. I know I'm wrong: it isn't either of those things. I know it puts me perilously close to being a cock. I don't care. If you have $54,850 and are looking for a car, buy one. Ignore all the downsides. You will want to spend the rest of your life in it. And while that doesn't cut it for healthy relationships with women, that's what matters with cars. You'll love it. It's imperative that you get the four-door though. The coupe is really just for friendless, flaming cocks.

Now: Megan Fox. I know she isn't a car, but it doesn't matter. If she were a car though, I read somewhere that ninety percent of men would take her for a spin. Ninety percent! For Megan Fox! And considering three to four percent of men are exclusively attracted to their own sex, that's an astounding statistic. Advertising gurus, why don't I see her everywhere? On every billboard and TV commercial? If you ran an ad campaign with Ms. Fox, it doesn't matter what you're selling. Hemorrhoid cream would suddenly interest ninety percent of half of the population. And women would inevitably be jealous and try to mimic the Fox, so they'd buy it too. Soon enough, vast numbers among the female population would morph into Megan Fox copies. And hemorrhoid cream would outsell Viagra. It's...I wish you could envision the world I've just come up with.

While I'm well aware that the United States has a messy foreign policy history and may rightly bear the blame from many for much, I was struck after reading a CNN.com article describing recent statements by Mr. Ahmadinejad slamming President Obama. I'm not the biggest Obama fan, but I do credit him for showing brilliant restraint in his Iran rhetoric. And it doesn't matter; Mr. Ahmadinejad slams everyone all the time. The Iranian "president" is a feckless infant who cannot balance balls with brains. That assessment complete, I credit the Iranian people with having enough sense to elect someone - anyone - more competent. Because Mr. Ahmadinejad cannot lead squat. He has led Iran, once the seat of great civilization and empire, to the scum of the international community and bankrupted their economy. So with all due respect, sir, here's my rhetoric: GO TO HELL.

First, I'd just like to get this out of the way. Growing up, bottlenose dolphins were easily my favorite animals. I admired their intelligence and graceful beauty. I had (have) many stuffed toy dolphins. They all have names. We had (have) great conversations in the wee morning hours. But I learned the other day that bottlenose dolphins are, so far as we know, the most bisexual animals on earth. In fact, they're hugely sexual animals to begin with. See, in school they always told us dolphins are cute, fun-loving creatures. They may have even told us that they're among the elite in all creation that do sex for recreation. They didn't mention the dolphin orgies and that girl dolphins weren't invited. And that when dolphins choose life partners, they aren't of the opposite sex. Stunned by my new knowledge, I confronted my toy friends. The guys feigned ignorance. They insisted they were all just good buddies and that was an end of it. I'd let them hang out on my bed! For years! Gross. So I've just changed out the bed. If you ever sleep in our guest room, I'm sorry.

Next, I saw a new Camaro the other day in Buckhead. It was yellow. I got excited...dolphin-style. Okay I restrained myself...a bit. But it's seriously good looking. Although I wasn't expecting it to be enormous. It's huge. Super-tanker huge. And with those windows, driving it would be like piloting a submarine with just the periscope. Only the Camaro is heavier. And more powerful. And yes, it comes with the nukes. But big whoop. Everyone has those now. So it ain't cutting edge, but I like it anyway. Well done, GM. Too bad I'm uber-pissed at you for f-ing up everything for the last three decades.

Oh and on a strictly personal note, if you're interested, my ideal garage would contain: a hydraulic lift, massive toolset (big tool needs big playset), spotlights (highlight my good looks), industrial fan (dramatic hair), air pump (don't ask), sink and running water. Oh, and yes...a Mercedes GLK 350 4matic and a KTM X-bow. And if KTM hasn't released that here, I'll move to where I can get it. Or buy an Exige S 240 instead. Or a 2000 NSX. Or an M3 Sedan. Or a Corvette Z06. Or...damn.

It's official. Chrysler and Fiat are now an item. A pair. Duo. Couple. Normally, hookups either elicit an "aww that's cute!," an "eww that's gross" or a "WTF." This is, decidedly, an opportunity for a collective utterance of the last. Chrysler, which I hear tell was once a great American institution long before I started life, will be "saved" by a union with Fiat. And we're slated to receive some of those Italian wares Stateside as soon as the coming year. If you're thinking this is awesome because Fiat oversees Ferrari, Maserati, and Alfa Romeo, stop. In fact, do me a favor and stop thinking altogether. Fiat primarily builds...you guessed it: Fiats. And those this year earned the incredible and unique distinction of being the least reliable cars offered in the United Kingdom. Dead, bottom, stonkin' last place. I'm entirely convinced that's something you have to try to achieve in a market that includes Peugeots, Citroens, Renaults, Seats, and Volkswagens. Well done then, Fiat. You've done it. So - and I mean this in as nice a way as possible - Dear Italians, please stick to cooking, building great tourist attractions, and lovemaking. Word is that you're good at those things. Keep your cars and leave the engineering up to the rest of us.

If Fiat hadn't invaded, Chrysler would be dead. Well, okay. I would miss the Viper. And they're not keeping that around anyway. So there you go.

EDIT: The Viper is apparently sticking around because Chrysler gave it to Fiat. In other news, the Jeep Panda. Again: "WTF?"

In the wake of rough times for the global car industry, gearheads are left wondering if the transformations in the industry will leave us with a vast sea of dull econoboxes. I think it's somewhere between inevitable and avoidable. Honda, for example, has already axed plans for successors to their performance-oriented S2000 and NSX models, leaving the automaker with a brilliantly efficient lineup primed and ready for fast-approaching deadlines for government limitations on fuel consumption and CO2 emissions. Fair enough, but now the global flagship for Honda is what we here in the U.S. know as the Acura RL. And let's be honest here - it isn't much fun to drive and comes fresh out of the factory looking like it's already been wrecked. Mercedes has brought the Smart stateside, and hordes of idiots have bought them...probably hoping the moniker will fool people. Alas, the Smart is not a car; it's a piece of crap. I've driven one. I know. Tata may bring the godawful Nano here, giving Americans the opportunity to buy glorified garbage for cheaper than the cheapest real car on the market. But isn't there some good news...like the new BMW M tanks, the M-ified X5 and X6? Those have hyperdrive and can beat the M3 around the Nurburgring despite weighing more than a Death Star, right? Well, yes. But real gearheads don't buy those - posers do. Same goes for the facelifted-but-still-hideo